Becoming

i think i've officially been reinspired to blog on a semi-regular basis. i saw the film ''julie & julia" the other day. a true story about julie who blogs about her year devoted to making every one of julia child's recipes in her first book. julie collects thousands of readers which is not where my inspiration comes. i wouldn't want to be responsible for entertaining thousands of blog stalkers, but i do think julie's daily pondering and preparations did her a service, considering she was feeling pretty purposeless on the brink of turning 30 and ambitiously chose a seemingly simple yet lofty goal in the context of something she loves (julia child and food) in order to satisfy her longings to not feel so dull.

i am anything but dull. so i have no need to prove myself otherwise. but i do have desires. dreams. experiences that are changing me. and a community and family who give a damn. so i'm going to reach out to those through the medium of blog land.

sometimes i fear that i have changed so much that when i return home everyone will be disappointed that they don't know me any more. i think it's fair to make myself vulnerable to being understood and misunderstood. encouraged and discouraged.

so here i go, yo.

stepping out of highschool and into the college world was my first taste of freedom. i could press the start button and begin again. choose any image to take on. i must be honest when i reflect on my college experience... i felt a little lost. no consistent identity to confidently project as i did so bravely in high school. freedom was intimidating and sent me into a gray zone of identity experimentation. i remember leaving florida for nashville in my last year of college and thinking ''nashville is where it will happen. nashville is where i'll come alive. nashville is where it will all make sense.'' i used to think that in theory it was the weak people who often change their external environment hoping for an internal discovery. if only we could search deeply and honestly within ourselves. then we wouldn't need to leave our homes and go to a european l'abri in search of ''truth.'' well, my thoughts about that have changed. we are molded by our environment. more than we want to believe. what we eat. think. believe. love. consume. and where we choose to be is the environment in which we choose to be molded by.
so i am here in holland. for the first time since high school i am brave with my thoughts, not oppressed or ashamed by my natural opposition to my nurturing. it's not the certainty in anything but the uncertainty in everything which has brought me to this point. the difference is that i am fearless in this freedom now.

For now.

For now.

For now.

For now.


i'm curious how this courage with manifest itself when i return back to my florida nest in december. it's difficult to leave the place that hosted and fostered such self-discovery and into the predictable unknown.

Return From Neglect

i begin writing this not even certain that i will post, but i tend to overlook the important details and thoughts of my existence until i consider it in literary form. this is often the most liberating form of communication yet it's the most difficult because of the time and thought commitment.

my last official post was in 2008. for this i am ashamed because i have not made efforts to stay connected to all the people i wish to share my life with. though sometimes i feel like my life is too complicated or even too boring to deem worthy of posting.

a few months ago i made the decision to stay in the netherlands for a bit longer. i am not ready to transition back to my american life. the job market is not so promising. and i'm enjoying my european life. internally: permission to act and think without the pressure of other's expectation (my own expectations are pressing enough). practically: i like my job. my friends. my location. my bikram yoga studio. my bike. my lifestyle.

so i extended my contract by three months. one more beautiful autumn in den haag. one more sinterklaas celebration. one more opportunity to ice skate on the canal in front of the house. one more period to love and devote to my lovely dutch family.

i don't have plans beyond december. so don't ask.

i just got back from a lovely vacation camping in sainte sigolène, france with the family and in portugal with my... well, special manfriend.

a few photos for your viewing pleasure.

FRANCE

elodie and i on our day out in lyon, one hour outside of sainte sigolène. elodie is my french/dutch friend who stayed with us in the hague one year ago. her family owns the lovely campsite in sainte sigolène... http://www.vaubarlet.com/



we made it! the top of the (inactive) volcano we hiked up at 4:30 a.m. to catch the sun peeking over the hills. gab and greetje were troopers! and coffee and croissants were awaiting us at the top. gab enjoyed getting to know our friendly tour guide.




taking in the fresh alpine dew.


this little girl cried the whole way up the volcano. her sweet father carried her to the top. she was probably thinking ''why papa did we have to get up at 4:00 a.m. to hike up a cold mountain in the dark??'' that's why i call this photo... ''Yes Papa, I see now.''



PORTUGAL

pedro and i took hundreds of photos. here are a select view. just a taste.

1/6

For the projected year I've created little ticks on my mental timeline that divide my life into terms or periods. Whatever you want to call it. Actually, let me take a minute to create a visual timeline for you folks. This will only take a minute...

(12 minutes later)

Okay. Here it is. I've completed one-sixth of my time here. My recent miniature vacation at L'abri marked my two months here in Den Haag. The next two months will be solid until I fly home on Christmas Eve.


This timeline may indicate that I'm anxiously counting down the days until I leave, which is a misconception. Rather, see the glass 1/6 full. One glowing, beautiful sixth of a year to commemorate. To grow from.

Now let me briefly describe my holiday at L'abri.

The house was full of warm, familiar faces as well as new. Since the weekend was a film weekend L'abri was a busy place, with almost every bed reserved. On Friday evening the guests arrive for a lecture to introduce the theme of the weekend. This particular theme was "Made for Connectivity." The three films on Saturday proved the theme to be true. All three films I will not discuss here but will recommmend to you:



I interacted and responded with each film differently, but enjoyed each for the object of discussion about relationships. Into the Wild ended with a bold statement: "Happiness is only real when shared." I'm curious what you think about this quote. Let's discuss.

Woerden Nightlife

I left these pictures out of a previous post. They are just too hilarious so I must share them. All from my Friday night out with Tiffany in her small town of Woerden.

Brave.

I want to take a few moments before I get busy having fun to express gratitude for the great week just completed. My load wasn't any lighter and the children didn't grow angel wings. The only thing that changed was my perspective. On Monday I made the decision to relax. There is no perfect way to discipline two eight-year-olds. So, with that in mind I stepped down from my dictator platform and welcomed a more natural approach suiting my personality. My motives--to put the children's best interest first and simply do what is expected of me by Susan. I allowed a bit more nonsense, but I found myself more often amused and less pissed off that way. Quite liberating. Wednesday Susan and I sat down with Johan, Gabriella's foster care supervisor who is also a friend of mine I met at L'abri. He is the one who referred me to Susan for the job. The meeting was scheduled several weeks ago in order to discuss how things are going in the home and provide an opportunity for me to ask questions. This visit on Wednesday was incredibly helpful. I asked many questions and received a lot of answers which now inform the way I interact with and understand both children and Susan. I received some encouragement as well, which couldn't have come on a more appropriate day of the week. From Wednesday on I felt exceptionally more connected to my life here, every aspect of it. Once I stopped trying to change the children and instead understand them I captured a new grip on reality. A reality I can now enjoy moreso. I hope to keep this up. Thank God for a good week.

On Friday after cleaning the house top to bottom I was eager to bake something. So I scrounged up enough ingredients to bake some double chocolate chunk cookies. Greetje liked the dough more than the cookies themselves. With no baking soda I substituted baking powder, which made a cake-like finished product. Still delicious and a unique treat for my Dutch family to taste.

Now some serious relaxing begins. Tonight Susan and I are having a girls night. Perhaps going to a ballet if tickets are still available. The girls have a week off school for fall vacation. Monday and Tuesday the cousins come for some playtime. I plan to head to L'abri Wednesday for a long weekend. My home away from home.

I also want to put in a little plug for a Dutch musical entity called "Brown Feather Sparrow." Volkoren, their label group, was having a release party here in Den Haag and so I went Thursday evening with Levien. My tutor Robb at L'abri introduced me to their lovely music about a year ago and suggested I attend the party. Some would say "Brown Feather Sparrow" is a group of "undercover" Christian musicians, though they clearly are without any evangelical agenda. But all to say, they produce hope filling, wholesome, volkoren music ("volkoren" basically means "whole grain"). Most of the lyrics (which to my understanding are in english :) are written by lead vocalist Lydia, whose delightful vulnerability commands the attention of every audience member, even from behind her keyboard. Her stage presence honestly speaks, "These are my songs. I hope you like them. If not, they are still mine. And I like them quite much."

Their new album "Brave" is a collection of stories about people who were face to face with an opportunity to show their bravery. I say each day is chance to be brave.
In great moments of sadness, loneliness, laziness, anger, complacency, etc. maybe the missing key is bravery. What does bravery look like? Bravery I tend to link with faith because faith, for me, requires courage. Perhaps we'd all see a few better days if we could make this active.

"Not-so-good-body"

I contemplated long and hard a title for this blog. Maybe my stories are laced with a comprehensive theme? Well as I'm contemplating, Gabriella comes in after coming home from seeing the new Anubis film with Susan. I ask her, "How was the film?" and rather than a simple "good" she takes the opportunity to tell me the entire plot accompanied by props, animated expressions and demonstrative gestures. She keeps referring to the antagonist of the film as the "not-so-good-body." I correct her each time, "You mean, the bad guy?" "Yeah!" she responds and then continues, "So, the not-so-good-body..." Cute. So that's the irrelevant title of my blog. I like it.

I can't let too much time pass between blogs. Too many significant events worth reporting occur and I start to forget details. I passed my one month mark as an au pair and am now about to begin week seven. The fall palette is beginning to appear on the tree leaves, mostly canvased by a gray sky with occasional appearences of the sun. Days are shorter and the air is cooler. **This sunshine state girl realizes she has taken sunny days for granted**

I started my Dutch language courses. It's an advanced beginners course so I am quite a bit behind. Only Dutch is spoken in the classroom so it's impossible for me to understand the instructor, therefore I need to do a lot of homework in order to catch up. Unfortunately I'm unmotivated to do any extra work. I had a study session with another au pair from Bolivia who lives nearby which was nice. On my first day of class 16 women showed up, no men. Now we have one older Turkish fella in the class, but it's basically a women's zone. A few au pairs are in my class. One is Romanian and is possibly the most miserable person I've ever met. She absolutely hates her job as an au pair and is extremely vocal about it. I find it funny, kind of sad and also encouraging that I am working in a much better situation than she. Another Canadian girl in class also goes to the Bikram Yoga studio I practice at and I also ran into one of my German classmates at the hockey pitch with her sons. I guess The Hague is smaller than I thought.

The highlights of my past few weeks are the weekends. Here are my last three weekends at a glance:

The last weekend of September we celebrated Susan's 40th birthday. She had a party for her girlfriends at her brother's beach restaurant. A diabolo expert with a sweet mullet (for you older generations that would be the hairstyle, not the fish) surprised us with an interactive exhibition. I've never seen so many middle-aged women so involved with a children's toy at once. At first I refused to participate in order to play photographer, but mostly with fear of lacking enough skill to keep the bolo rolling. Eventually I joined in and couldn't put the sticks down.









The diabolo [dia-BO-lo] is a kind of juggling prop derived from the ancient Chinese Yo-yo. The modern diabolo was developed by the French in the early 20th century but has recently made a comeback in schoolyards across the Netherlands. Greetje and Gabriella love practicing their diabolo tricks and are much better the rest of us adults.


Some of the family. Susan, the girls, sister Lizet and her husband Peterjan, and Susan's parents.



October came so quickly... and it's almost half October. Geeze.


The first weekend of October I spent in Utrecht. I stayed with my sweet friend Jojanneke at her flat. She is a very kind host. Saturday we met up with Tiffany and her boyfriend Ghaith.
Tiffany is the one who introduced me to this whole au pair business. We met at L'abri in March when she was visiting from Portland, OR her hometown. Now she works as an au pair in Woerden and we try to meet up often to vent to each other about our misbehaving children. Saturday the four of us strolled the beautiful streets of Utrecht and bounced from cafe to cafe to avoid the cold, damp weather. In the evening Jojanneke prepared a delicious vegetarian meal accompanied by Wieckse rosé (canned white beer with fruity wine... and it's quite tasty!).
Dinner was followed by a movie, Bridget Jones Diary, and a large bag of M&Ms mixed with popcorn. STOMACH ACHE. Sunday Jojanneke and I visited the Anglican church in Utrecht. Very nice liturgical service with a harvest time theme. Enjoyed a nice lunch afterwards with Rike, a friend from L'abri we happen to run into. The afternoon we went to the cinema to see another chick flick, The Accidental Husband. Strange title, since there was nothing accidental about it.

And the weekend that just passed was quite nice also. Friday I babysat the children, but I had Ammeret over for dinner. After we ate the girls surprised us with an additional course of sea shells, cookies, granola, and wine-flavored water. Very cute and imaginative. I sincerely enjoyed my visit from Ammeret. My day was quite stressful and emotional and I was starving for some peer-to-peer interaction. On Saturday after yoga I took off to see Tiffany in Woerden. Her host family prepared a wonderful Asian meal before we headed to the town center for some drinks and chit-chat. After some au pair ventilation and a couple rum and diets we transitioned to a "club" for young adults in the community, arranged by a volunteer committee which her host father is involved with. The small room included no more than 20 young people, a small bar, a DJ mixing crappy techno, strobe lights and a smoke machine which provided nice effects for our photosession (the wonderful photos will be posted later!!!). The bartender looked about 15, and so it was quite comical to see him pouring beer from the tap and serving. But even moreso when he started slamming beer behind the bar. After we finished our drinks we called it a night. We got up early to catch our trains and go our separate ways to church. I went to the American Protestant Church I've been attending in The Hague. I am also getting involved with the young adult group which meets on Wednesdays and Sundays after the service for Bible discussion. After discussion a group of us went to lunch in the center. I suggested Scallywags, a "gezelig" (overused Dutch word meaning cozy) little British lunchroom with a delicious menu, friendly wait-staff, and ecclectic Princess Diana inspired motif. A lovely way to end my week and prepare for a new week as an au pair.

So.........

In the weekends my au pair hat is off. When I look inside this hat of mine I analyze my life how I see it. Mostly fun and interesting, but lately stressful and wearing. I try to put all I see into a healthy perspective that will encourage sanity, inspire me to persevere through the difficult times and help build a fun, trusting and orderly environment in the household. This weekend in particular I've spent a lot of time gushing about my life to others, myself, to God and have received various insights. I feel strengthened for a new week. Wiser. A little less defeated. A little more fit to breathe properly when my lack of control suffocates me. Enough for one week, at least. I forsee daily trials in this job from here on out. But all trials triggered by outside events reflect the inner battles against myself. I say this not to be cynical, but realistic about importance of my job, which inevitably invites struggle... to eventually produce something good and useful.

I'm thankful. Thankful for this safe and loving environment I live in. The privileges at my fingertips. The great friendships I see evolving. The air I breathe. May I continue to see the world through grateful lenses.