Becoming

i think i've officially been reinspired to blog on a semi-regular basis. i saw the film ''julie & julia" the other day. a true story about julie who blogs about her year devoted to making every one of julia child's recipes in her first book. julie collects thousands of readers which is not where my inspiration comes. i wouldn't want to be responsible for entertaining thousands of blog stalkers, but i do think julie's daily pondering and preparations did her a service, considering she was feeling pretty purposeless on the brink of turning 30 and ambitiously chose a seemingly simple yet lofty goal in the context of something she loves (julia child and food) in order to satisfy her longings to not feel so dull.

i am anything but dull. so i have no need to prove myself otherwise. but i do have desires. dreams. experiences that are changing me. and a community and family who give a damn. so i'm going to reach out to those through the medium of blog land.

sometimes i fear that i have changed so much that when i return home everyone will be disappointed that they don't know me any more. i think it's fair to make myself vulnerable to being understood and misunderstood. encouraged and discouraged.

so here i go, yo.

stepping out of highschool and into the college world was my first taste of freedom. i could press the start button and begin again. choose any image to take on. i must be honest when i reflect on my college experience... i felt a little lost. no consistent identity to confidently project as i did so bravely in high school. freedom was intimidating and sent me into a gray zone of identity experimentation. i remember leaving florida for nashville in my last year of college and thinking ''nashville is where it will happen. nashville is where i'll come alive. nashville is where it will all make sense.'' i used to think that in theory it was the weak people who often change their external environment hoping for an internal discovery. if only we could search deeply and honestly within ourselves. then we wouldn't need to leave our homes and go to a european l'abri in search of ''truth.'' well, my thoughts about that have changed. we are molded by our environment. more than we want to believe. what we eat. think. believe. love. consume. and where we choose to be is the environment in which we choose to be molded by.
so i am here in holland. for the first time since high school i am brave with my thoughts, not oppressed or ashamed by my natural opposition to my nurturing. it's not the certainty in anything but the uncertainty in everything which has brought me to this point. the difference is that i am fearless in this freedom now.

For now.

For now.

For now.

For now.


i'm curious how this courage with manifest itself when i return back to my florida nest in december. it's difficult to leave the place that hosted and fostered such self-discovery and into the predictable unknown.

Return From Neglect

i begin writing this not even certain that i will post, but i tend to overlook the important details and thoughts of my existence until i consider it in literary form. this is often the most liberating form of communication yet it's the most difficult because of the time and thought commitment.

my last official post was in 2008. for this i am ashamed because i have not made efforts to stay connected to all the people i wish to share my life with. though sometimes i feel like my life is too complicated or even too boring to deem worthy of posting.

a few months ago i made the decision to stay in the netherlands for a bit longer. i am not ready to transition back to my american life. the job market is not so promising. and i'm enjoying my european life. internally: permission to act and think without the pressure of other's expectation (my own expectations are pressing enough). practically: i like my job. my friends. my location. my bikram yoga studio. my bike. my lifestyle.

so i extended my contract by three months. one more beautiful autumn in den haag. one more sinterklaas celebration. one more opportunity to ice skate on the canal in front of the house. one more period to love and devote to my lovely dutch family.

i don't have plans beyond december. so don't ask.

i just got back from a lovely vacation camping in sainte sigolène, france with the family and in portugal with my... well, special manfriend.

a few photos for your viewing pleasure.

FRANCE

elodie and i on our day out in lyon, one hour outside of sainte sigolène. elodie is my french/dutch friend who stayed with us in the hague one year ago. her family owns the lovely campsite in sainte sigolène... http://www.vaubarlet.com/



we made it! the top of the (inactive) volcano we hiked up at 4:30 a.m. to catch the sun peeking over the hills. gab and greetje were troopers! and coffee and croissants were awaiting us at the top. gab enjoyed getting to know our friendly tour guide.




taking in the fresh alpine dew.


this little girl cried the whole way up the volcano. her sweet father carried her to the top. she was probably thinking ''why papa did we have to get up at 4:00 a.m. to hike up a cold mountain in the dark??'' that's why i call this photo... ''Yes Papa, I see now.''



PORTUGAL

pedro and i took hundreds of photos. here are a select view. just a taste.